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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

my dear black ships, the duality of dissolution

my dear black ships, most of my work doesn't represent the conception i have of myself either, maybe this is the way it is for most of us doing this work or maybe it isn't, i'm not privy to know that but i enjoyed all your comments and as ever they got me to thinking

on a good day the queenadreena persona is a 'kali' poster pasted over a shopfront window therein a frightened, deserted child is grappling in the dark with too much knowledge, corruption, witness, experience and survivalism, she is not severed from love but has suffered in human hands and she has known what it is to deal a bad hand too, she has a street savvy and her body has been her currency, this for her a simple transaction and an inevitability for what else in her situation would she do?, she is very aware of the heart beating in her and even the love of god though she would not use those words, with her 'things tend to come out all wrong' if at all as these days, there is not much of herself left in the casket, she went to live upstairs with angels and stars and leave the conflicts beneath her rustling away in some distant place for her own safety (that's probably the coldness and sadness you see), this removal of self has created problems but she seems to be able to cope with them better these days, by living 'amongst' rather than in a kneejerk preferred isolation means she is adhered or stitched onto the firmament rather than adrift with dissolution, the other music i sent you is more about angels, stars and dissolution (dissolution for better or worse, i know the duality too well being the absolute absorption into the infinite or the terrible existentialist[wrong word i know]severing which put me in hospital a while)

on a bad day its all desperate vacuous noise and i can't be bothered with her or it, genica-pussywillow has been a wonderful companion in bringing me into form, she was so sick but so sweet and responded to me in a way that made my heart weep and life was witnessed in its heartbreaking fragility and beauty, she seems strong some days and is eating, i don't know how long she will be with us, i am so sad my dear black ships for the departure of your beloved, my heart truely goes out to you, we are just so lucky to have known or know these wonderful creatures, companionship is all and the delights and sorrows of our shared journeys, what else is there

as ever thankyou for caring and listening to me and for getting the cogs turning, and i do appreciate your 'concern', self destruction is not pretty, i hope none of this offends (the p.s. inparticular, i'm just trying to illustrate cause and effect and the struggle to not put more crap out into the world without repressing and suffocating the instinctual, essential self)

i would love to come visit and see dungeoness in daylight as i've only walked the beach at night, hope you're settling in and bless you all
much love from katiejane xxx

p.s. this is a quote from angela carter that rang so many bells for me at around 23 and probably played a strong hand in all this
...the reluctant prostitute...who never wished to sell the body she regarded as an inalienable possession.....will be murdered by a sexual maniac, a man whom repression has turned into a monstrous scourge of whores....she pays the price of expressing an unrepressed sexuality in a society which distorts sexuality....this is the true femme fatale...she lives her life in such a way her freedom reveals to others their own lack of liberty. So her sexuality is destructive, not in itself but in its effect...the significance of the femme fatale lies not in her gender but in her freedom


Anonymous Kontrary said...

..and she goes just like she came.

whirlwind in. whirlwind out.


4:09 PM  
Blogger AvaMai said...

transfixed gave stead in hypnosis. cracks on the walls extend to my hands 'onwards and upwards'. real insights real motion. beyond the 12.37 from waterloo

11:58 PM  
Anonymous mannemo said...

aieeeee i love the angela carter quote. it is basically a description of you, isn't it. 'her freedom reveals to others their own lack of liberty'.

6:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

with her 'things tend to come out all wrong' if at all as these days, there is not much of herself left in the casket, she went to live upstairs with angels and stars and leave the conflicts beneath her rustling away in some distant place for her own safety

it's how i feel. and i fear it will never be any different.


5:11 AM  
Anonymous Magdalene said...

you do speak my language and another thing is that fragile web of minds sharing the same but always separate emotions. your journals are painful to me cause every time i feel as if the best soulmate of mine were drowning too far away but it's hard to explain anyway what i mean by that. as i was watching my cat sharpening her claws today i thought i must reread what you wrote. countless times. i'm just sending you renewable piles of love. recycle it whenever you please.

10:59 PM  

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